


I Should Write Something

by Claudina



Category: Persona 5
Genre: M/M, Written from Akira's POV, ending spoiler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 08:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10895409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claudina/pseuds/Claudina
Summary: Memories are weird things. It hurts keeping them inside, but it also hurts spilling them outside.





	I Should Write Something

**Author's Note:**

> This short fic is a departure from the fluff I have been writing as of late; it's definitely more melancholic and subdued compared to the others. Also, just a note: it's entirely written from Akira's POV, but I hope that his relationship with Goro is not too subtle to see here. In any case, I hope you enjoy this and thank you very much in advance for reading :) feedback is always loved!

Hello.

To be honest, I don’t feel like writing anything at all, for it would make everything that happened feel more real. Maybe I just don’t want to accept reality. Maybe if I keep the memories away, hidden inside, I can pretend that those are all just bad dreams.

However, they carry so much torture that I have to spit them out so that I can at least allow myself some sanity. It hurts keeping them inside and it hurts spilling them outside. I’m scared, but here comes nothing.

So, Goro…I guess I’d like to say I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that everything happened the way it did. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more. I’m sorry that I didn’t meet you earlier. I’m sorry that I still feel this way, even though I’m sure you’d be sad if you knew that I still wallow in stagnancy after you were gone.

You know, memories are weird things; I can barely remember the explosive outburst you erupted in when everything crumbled before your eyes, but the subtler parts of you remain vivid. Your eyes, the ones you called brown, actually shimmered with reddish hues under bright light. You liked to stir your coffee clockwise. Sometimes your eyes focused on nothing when you thought of something, your body left on earth while your mind wandered to somewhere I couldn’t reach. You liked to bite your smile back, not allowing yourself to fully express your happiness. I can also remember how your cheeks would show a ghost of dimples on the rare occasions you laughed out loud. You really liked winking; sometimes I think you didn’t even realise that you did it.

Memories are weird things indeed. People call you a murderer, a villain, a criminal…you tried to kill me once and cover it up, but don’t you think it’s weird how the bad memories became fuzzy once I learned that those were never your choices anyway? Maybe I’m a fool who forgives too easily, but I don’t deserve credit, because it’s not hard to forgive when there is not much blame to begin with. You might have thought that you didn’t deserve pity, but honestly, I think I understand. You were a victim, as much as we all were, trapped between a rock and hard place, set up on a path that would lead to the goal that had been planned for you without your consent. In a way, we were both the same: jaded, voiceless and pushed around by fate. And once I learned that, it’s so easy to remember only the good parts about you.

Maybe people will stone me for this. Maybe people think I’m just an apologist. But I wholeheartedly think that you didn’t deserve every bad thing that happened to you. It truly wasn’t your fault that you were dealt the most impossibly atrocious hand in life, and I’ll always live with the guilt that I should’ve, I could’ve done you better.

Maybe you didn’t need the salvation. Maybe you didn’t want it. Maybe you didn’t think that you deserved it, because you recoiled when someone genuinely showed you love and you crumpled before my fingers even touched you. Maybe your heart told you that you wanted love like how you had declared, but at the same time, the self-hatred that filled the hollow of your bones kept whispering to you that you were undeserving of it. I know, because I had seen how you cried when we were tangled up in each other’s arms that one night, your nightmares haunting you in the darkest hours of dawn, the voices inside your head screaming that what you were doing was wrong.

That was the longest night of my life, and I’ll forever regret how I couldn’t quite reach you as you wound yourself tighter when I held you.

The days are long and tough without you, though I’m not blaming you for that. Have I said that I can still feel you around? Sometimes I think that I could hear your laughter slip through the doors of Leblanc. The smell of your favourite roast always brings fresh thoughts of your face. When I walk on the streets, sometimes I see a blur of hazel and I would stop because it feels as if you’re still there. Nights are especially hard, because the phone would beep, and when I check the messages, I would inevitably see the thread of our texts, pristine and preserved in time. Your last message was: _I’ll be waiting for you_ , and I can’t help but think…did you somehow have a premonition? A hunch, perhaps? Are you still waiting for me, even now?

Goro, I can’t leave now, but know that when I told you that you could leave your wishes to me, I didn’t mean only your wishes about Shido. I’ll carry your hopes with me through life. I’ll live twice as dangerously and as freely for both of us, and I hope that when the time comes for me to go, you will be waiting for me by the gates.

Will you be telling me the words that you always said to me whenever I came to Leblanc later than you did? Will you let me know that I’m home?

Because if you will, I promise you that I’ll tell you that I’m home too. And that I’m sorry. And that we should’ve done you better, that universe should have not treated you so cruelly that the exit sign was the only light you saw at the end of your tunnel. And also, that I loved you, and I still do. And I still will. So please, wait for me to come home.

Until then, you can leave everything to me. And I promise, when we meet again, this time there will be no wall between us…and I won’t let go.


End file.
